It has been almost 4 months since Mom died. I really have not fully grieved and for some reason I am scared to. I don't really know why and I can't explain it.
I have been reading On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, David Kessler. It is a good book about the stages of grief and as I read each chapter I feel my emotions. It is as if they are being held by a dam and every now and then the breach the top and overflow, but I am quick to bring them back into the confinds of the dam walls.
Last week our Pastor started a 6 part series of Healing -- Lord Heal Me; I'm Sick was the first one, you can visit his sermon here, http://www.calvarybaptist.org/public/pag270.aspx . This week is Lord Heal Me; I'm Grieving.
As we sat there praising the Lord in Song I wondered will I be able to make it through this Sermon... the Sermon began and I was fine, then the lights lowered and our Pastor of Music came out to sing. I almost lost it and had to get up and walk out and we always sit in the third row, so I had a long way to walk and I barely made it out. Once again the dam walls started to break and I brought those emotions back to within the walls.
I pulled it back together and walked back in and stood at the back to listen to the sermon. I also found out that the Church will begin a Grief group called Grief Share in a couple of weeks, yes I will be attending.
I have to get this out, but I am either scared to let it go entirely or scared that when I do I will no longer have ... what?!?!?! What the heck is this that is so nagging me??
Since Mom's death I have kept myself so busy, working tons of overtime, cleaning, laundry.. surfing the net, etc. I'm scared to be still or maybe not scared-- just don't want to be.
At night I dread going to bed b/c when I close my eyes I see Mom after her death in the hospital bed. I feel it was good for us to be with her when she died, but we stayed in the room way too long in the room after she died.
Dad is still so emotional every time I call and I know why, he is still surrounded by her -- I am not. He will be ok though, it will just take time.
9/14/08
8/11/08
8/10/08
New Mellencamp
Hi guys, not that you are interested but there is a new Mellencamp CD and it is pretty darn good and getting rave reviews!! Take a listen...
http://www.mellencamp.com/
http://www.mellencamp.com/
6/11/08
It has arrived......
The day, The time, The emotion, The sadness... that I have been dreading for 2 weeks now has arrived. My emotions have caught up with me and they are difficult and hard to explain. I knew it would be hard but I didn't really think it would be like this. After all, my family and I knew this day would come, we had prepared ourselves..... but wow, it's tough.
I would like to preface this blog with the following, I am happy that Mom has gone on to be with the Lord. She suffered for so long and her quality of life dramatically decreased within the past 3-4 years. I was happy to know that my Mom who struggled w/ pain for soooooo long was finally at peace as I had prayed for many years. I am not sad or crying for her, EVER, no it is just me being my selfish self, missing her.
With that said, she was still my Mom.... the woman who birthed me, fed me, changed my diapers, bathed me, held me, smiled at me, wiped away my tears, listened with excitement to my first words, worried as I took my first steps, encouraged me, tucked me in, prayed for me, guided me, taught me, hugged me, had tea with me, laughed with me, held me, cheered for me, held my hand as I brought her first Grandchild into the world and always loved me no matter what.
I was there along with my Dad and Sister in her last few days, few hours and few seconds of life. She passed away around 5:45 am on Monday, May 26th, but not until us three where no longer hovering over her, worrying for her and watching her, no, she waited until the 1 hour when all 3 of us fell asleep to go, that was the kind of Woman she was, she did not like anyone worrying over her.
She NEVER complained about her sicknesses/surgeries/pain.. nothing. She was a strong willed woman with a fighter inside... she had the Lord on her side and she knew it was all part of his plan and she accepted it. Sure she questioned it, any of us would, after all we are all human.
Finally she is done with that body that gave her so much trouble, done with the pain meds, done with not being able to eat a full meal without feeling sick, done with the oxygen, done with doctors appointments, done with being tired, done with it all!! Praise God!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would like to preface this blog with the following, I am happy that Mom has gone on to be with the Lord. She suffered for so long and her quality of life dramatically decreased within the past 3-4 years. I was happy to know that my Mom who struggled w/ pain for soooooo long was finally at peace as I had prayed for many years. I am not sad or crying for her, EVER, no it is just me being my selfish self, missing her.
With that said, she was still my Mom.... the woman who birthed me, fed me, changed my diapers, bathed me, held me, smiled at me, wiped away my tears, listened with excitement to my first words, worried as I took my first steps, encouraged me, tucked me in, prayed for me, guided me, taught me, hugged me, had tea with me, laughed with me, held me, cheered for me, held my hand as I brought her first Grandchild into the world and always loved me no matter what.
I was there along with my Dad and Sister in her last few days, few hours and few seconds of life. She passed away around 5:45 am on Monday, May 26th, but not until us three where no longer hovering over her, worrying for her and watching her, no, she waited until the 1 hour when all 3 of us fell asleep to go, that was the kind of Woman she was, she did not like anyone worrying over her.
She NEVER complained about her sicknesses/surgeries/pain.. nothing. She was a strong willed woman with a fighter inside... she had the Lord on her side and she knew it was all part of his plan and she accepted it. Sure she questioned it, any of us would, after all we are all human.
Finally she is done with that body that gave her so much trouble, done with the pain meds, done with not being able to eat a full meal without feeling sick, done with the oxygen, done with doctors appointments, done with being tired, done with it all!! Praise God!!!!!!!!!!!!
6/8/08
Good advice -- props John Mayer
Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations
Say what you need to say
Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only, Say what you need to say
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations
Say what you need to say
Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only, Say what you need to say
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say
5/29/08
Mom
As I still have no words for the past several days, I shall point you in the direction of my dear Cousin's blog, she is an awesome writer..
http://starbucksgirl.wordpress.com/2008/05/29/52808-2/
http://starbucksgirl.wordpress.com/2008/05/29/52808-2/
5/28/08
Thank you
I will blog more about Mom's passing as soon as I have the words. But I wanted to at least say "Thank you" to all our Family and Friends.
3/31/08
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