Grieving

It has been almost 4 months since Mom died. I really have not fully grieved and for some reason I am scared to. I don't really know why and I can't explain it.

I have been reading On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, David Kessler. It is a good book about the stages of grief and as I read each chapter I feel my emotions. It is as if they are being held by a dam and every now and then the breach the top and overflow, but I am quick to bring them back into the confinds of the dam walls.

Last week our Pastor started a 6 part series of Healing -- Lord Heal Me; I'm Sick was the first one, you can visit his sermon here, http://www.calvarybaptist.org/public/pag270.aspx . This week is Lord Heal Me; I'm Grieving.

As we sat there praising the Lord in Song I wondered will I be able to make it through this Sermon... the Sermon began and I was fine, then the lights lowered and our Pastor of Music came out to sing. I almost lost it and had to get up and walk out and we always sit in the third row, so I had a long way to walk and I barely made it out. Once again the dam walls started to break and I brought those emotions back to within the walls.

I pulled it back together and walked back in and stood at the back to listen to the sermon. I also found out that the Church will begin a Grief group called Grief Share in a couple of weeks, yes I will be attending.

I have to get this out, but I am either scared to let it go entirely or scared that when I do I will no longer have ... what?!?!?! What the heck is this that is so nagging me??

Since Mom's death I have kept myself so busy, working tons of overtime, cleaning, laundry.. surfing the net, etc. I'm scared to be still or maybe not scared-- just don't want to be.

At night I dread going to bed b/c when I close my eyes I see Mom after her death in the hospital bed. I feel it was good for us to be with her when she died, but we stayed in the room way too long in the room after she died.

Dad is still so emotional every time I call and I know why, he is still surrounded by her -- I am not. He will be ok though, it will just take time.